March 22, 2016

Dear Brian,

After inhaling some delicious Chinese takeout recently, I received this fortune... for the second time in my life, actually.  I don't take that coincidence lightly.

Honestly, I typically pay much less attention to the fortune than to the delicious cookie, because (aside from the fact that I have a deep-seated love of cookies) often they are useless gems like this one I've had taped to my monitor at work for the past few years:

I guess I shouldn't say "useless" as that is certainly decent enough advice... for people who don't know any better.  I, on the other hand, feel the warning was wasted on me as I've known not to do this for many, many years.  Perhaps this fortune would have been better-suited for the same person who requires the "DO NOT EAT" label on those little silica packets they put in a box of brand new shoes.  But I digress.

I've always said I'd be open, direct and honest in these letters to you... and I have been.  Not everyone who reads this blog is a fan and they have taken the time to let me know that and obviously, they are entitled to their opinion.  But those closest to me have been overwhelmingly supportive of my writings and have had only encouraging things to say; they are proud of my ability to make myself vulnerable.  The feedback I have received from total strangers has been so touching; to have someone thank me for being so honest and raw because it gave them the courage to do the same makes putting my own struggles out there worthwhile.  A large part of being human is the connections we make with others; and this blog has helped me form some very meaningful connections with friends-- new and old.  Most importantly, it has helped me to continue to heal from things that have hurt me.  Many of the same things I speak about hurt you in similar ways as we were growing up.

While two specific people have described my entries as "torturing myself" by "continually reliving the past" I would beg to differ.  These are things that have been bottled up for a very long time and now, at age 42, I'm becoming more confident in myself and my ability to finally begin working through those things and set healthy boundaries for myself.  We all have our own issues.  We all have our own struggles.  But each of us has to make choices that are going to be best for our own well-being and those choices won't always be what others might want for us. And having said that, if there is someone that undermines my emotional well-being and brings me more pain and emotional suffering than joy... well I deserve to distance myself from any relationship like that.  It's taken me much too long to realize that but I do deserve that; I owe this realization to the support of the very caring therapist whom I've been seeing for the past 4 years.  I've recently begun attending support group meetings here in Austin for "Survivors of Narcissists, Borderlines and Anti-socials" who have also had to detach themselves from harmful relationships with others, particularly family and parents but also with regards to ending romantic relationships that are not healthy.  It's been comforting to be in the company of a group of individuals with whom I share so many similarities; there have been moments where I swear we've finished each others' thoughts because we know exactly what words are coming next.  Because we've been there.  All of us have had to cut ties with one (or more) people in our life because of an extremely toxic relationship; to have the reassurance from others who share such similar histories has been incredibly therapeutic, and validating, for me.

Someone who claims to love me said this to me after my last blog (copied and pasted):

"Don't quit your job though because with all the things you say about yourself to the whole world will find its way to prospective employers.  They check on that now.  I suggest you no longer write a blog like the one today because do you think an employer would hire you after reading that stuff??"

I have no idea where that came from. I have no plans to quit my job so it was such a peculiar thing to say.  However, even if I did have those plans, that "warning" wouldn't discourage me in any way because of the support I've received from strangers and friends alike.  I mean, it was disappointing (and revealing about where I stand with that person) but I certainly won't let it discourage me.  I'm a flawed person, surely... but I'm a good person. Who isn't flawed?  The world is full of others who suffer from depression, struggle with self-worth and self-harm and suicidal thoughts.  The only way to reduce the stigma around these struggles is to talk about them openly.  This illness does not make me any less qualified than any other person out there.

So getting back to that first fortune which said, "If I bring forth what is inside, me, what I bring forth will save me."  So far, it's been working for me... because I'm still here.

I miss you and Mooooooomie so, so much.  I've been loving the chilly nights we've been having here. It's been refreshingly cold sleeping with the windows wide open; but I've stayed cozy in the warmth of the 2 blankets I crocheted-- one for you for your last birthday and one for Mom for Christmas that same year.  Moooomie told me that she slept with her blanket every single night and that it was, in her words, "like my bee-yoooo-tee-full daughter giving me a hug each night."

I had a reading with an intuitive/psychic this weekend.  I'm fully aware that many people do not share my belief that there is validity to what they do.  But it brought me so much comfort to hear from you and Mom and Grandma Mary! I was absolutely blown away by the experience.  It was encouraging to have you and Mooomie validate the decisions I've made recently with regards to setting safe boundaries for myself. (Which the intuitive brought up on her very own within the first 15 seconds of our session!)  I'm typically so quick to second-guess myself so having you both reaffirm my choices was reassuring for me.  And to hear that she was picking up on Grandma Mary's "sassiness" absolutely made my day! I could totally picture her in my mind giving me a little wink to go along with that mischievous smile of hers when she was being coy.  I'm so glad y'all are together on the other side.  Mom missed you so much, dude.  She was never the same after losing you.

Please take care of one another.  I love you guys!

Always,
Laura