Letter to Brian: December 12, 2013

Dear Brian,

What I’m about to talk to you about I know won’t be much of a mystery to you as we spoke about it a little bit on several occasions though we never really delved into it like we could have or, quite frankly, should have. To anyone reading this, it might seem pretty cryptic. I do know a few people whom I know will have zero trouble identifying exactly what I’m talking about. However, I do also know that the person that SHOULD hear and understand this feels they are so above hearing it so it won’t matter anyway.  But let me start with this…

If you pour water into an ice cube tray and put that tray in the freezer, you’ll end up with ice shaped exactly like the tray in which it was placed. The shape it takes obviously occurs by no fault of the water; it had only so much room in either direction to move before it was stopped and forced to conform.  That water will continue to retain the shape it has taken until something changes… until it is removed from its environment and is allowed to change.

I’m like those ice cubes… and I think you were, too.  We’re both out of the “freezer” now and I’m learning to thaw out on my own and become something different… something that I get to choose, not have chosen for me.  Unfortunately, I think it took leaving this world and becoming spirit for you to completely change into what you believe you were meant to be because you simply weren’t able to achieve that here.

Thanks for continuing to watch over me while I work through this stuff, I know you’re there.  I’ll write more later but that’s all I have to say today.

I love you.

Published by


I lost my brother Brian, my only sibling, to suicide on October 13, 2010. I write about dealing with the loss as well as my own life-long struggle with depression and suicidal ideation.