Letter to Brian: June 6, 2014

Dear Brian,

I got a message from an old friend of yours not long ago.  Back in the late 1990’s you used to have a job driving an armored truck and when he saw one in front of him in traffic he thought of you and send me the following note:

“Funny how seemingly mundane things evoke such powerful impressions and memories. I was at a stoplight in Buffalo this morning behind some banged up 20 year old armored car that was barely even recognizable as such. It spurred a string of Brian memories that continued for the remainder of my commute to Plymouth. Cheers to Brian Habedank.”

I was so grateful for that note. It brings me so much joy to know that others have not forgotten you, either.  It got me thinking that if anyone reading this knows someone that is missing someone like we are missing you, the best gift they could ever give them is something like the note your friend sent me!  A note about a special memory, a photograph of that person, or just a few words to let them know they are remembering the person who is gone as well as those they have left behind.  And even if they didn’t know their loved one– just asking them about the person they lost and giving them a chance to share a little of that person with the world can make their day.

It’s true what he said, too– seemingly mundane things can spark a flood of memories.  Having had the pleasure of being your sister for 35 years I have so many of those things!  Seems everywhere I turn there is a reminder of you.  Some days I’m strong enough to let those memories come and go and leave a huge smile on my face.  And yet other days, like today, hearing the Crash Test Dummies’ song “Mmm Mmm Mmm Mmm” is enough to transform me into a puddle of lonely tears as I remember hearing you laughing and singing along to it on the radio.

Shit.  I really hate missing you, dude.  But I can’t NOT miss you.  I’ll never NOT miss you.  I’ll just have to accept that some days the memories comfort me and some days they rip my heart out.

Love Always,


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I lost my brother Brian, my only sibling, to suicide on October 13, 2010. I write about dealing with the loss as well as my own life-long struggle with depression and suicidal ideation.

One thought on “Letter to Brian: June 6, 2014”

  1. My brother, Matt (also my only sibling), took his life in February 2010 at the age of 27. I miss him every day. I will miss him forever. Although I would never wish this loss on anyone, it’s comforting to know that others understand. Take good care.

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