Letter to Brian: October 13, 2014


Dear Brian,

Today marks 4 years to the day that I got the call that would change my life forever.

I’d been hoping that it would be storming or raining or something today… anything that would fit how I’m feeling.  It never seems to fit when you see the sun shining yet feel like you’re dying inside, you know? It only makes the loneliness that much more pronounced.  However, when I walked outside today the weather was perfectly mirroring what was going on inside of me.  In one direction you could see dark, black clouds rolling in.  In the other direction the sun was shining and cast a beautiful, hopeful light on the trees beneath the storm clouds.  The wind was agitated and came in bursts.  And then came the rain.

All of that is so fitting for this 4 year anniversary.  On one hand I feel hopeful for how far I’ve come since the days following your death when I was in such excruciating pain that I had absolutely no hope that I’d actually survive.  On the other hand I still have days where my moods are like the winds and clouds today– dark and my deep moods come in bursts and sometimes seemingly out of nowhere.

Today, while I’m missing you and remembering you and wishing you were here I’m grateful for the weather that made me feel a little less alone today.

I love you.


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I lost my brother Brian, my only sibling, to suicide on October 13, 2010. I write about dealing with the loss as well as my own life-long struggle with depression and suicidal ideation.

5 thoughts on “Letter to Brian: October 13, 2014”

  1. I just found your blog. I lost my brother almost 2 years ago to suicide. This is such a good idea, I’ve written letters to him too. It’s a nice outlet. Thank you for sharing your deepest thoughts. It does help to know you’re not alone in this terrible “club” we are now a part of.

    1. Andrea, thank you for writing. I’m so sorry for the loss of your brother and that you are now in this awful “club.” I’m so glad to hear that you are also writing to your brother, I honestly think writing to Brian has saved me in a lot of ways… I seem to be able to gather my own thoughts and feelings a bit better when just imagining I’m talking to him. So good for you on doing that… keep doing it! I’d love to read some if you ever put them out there to share. <3 Laura

  2. Thank you for sharing these letters. I haven’t gone through them all yet, but they have been keeping me company on one of my sad and lonely nights. I have been really struggling to find people who understand what I’m going through, and so much of what you talk about are the things I am feeling and experiencing.
    My brother and I were lifelong best friends. We always had each other’s backs, we understood each other, we had the same friends, lived together as “adults” (we didn’t really believe in growing up), travelled together, helped each other through relationship problems… the list goes on. He was my big brother by a year and a half, but I was extremely protective of him, and, aside from my parents, was his main support. He was diagnosed with schizophrenia two years before he took his life. I had struggled with severe depression for most of my youth, and had attempted suicide once. My brother said this was “his turn” to get support from my family. I think he had struggled for as long as I had, he was just such a selfless person that he let my needs come first. As you said, something inside me knew it was coming. The last time I saw him he was in such agony and had so much anger and distrust, even for our own parents because of the effects of the schizophrenia. I couldn’t call him that weekend, I just couldn’t. It was like I knew I had to let go before it even happened. It was his choice to make and there was nothing left for me to do, the only other option was locking him up in some hospital, which would be worse than death to him. So I got the call I had been living in extreme fear of for two years. It has been 8 months now, and it only gets harder with time.
    I feel really angry with my friends because they were there for me at the beginning, but after a few weeks I stopped hearing from them. I know I have isolated myself, but I just expect more from true friends I guess, they don’t want to talk about this part of my life. When I tell people I meet that my brother passed away, the first thing they ask is how long ago, like that is supposed to be some judge of whether I should be over it. I am not the same person I was, and like you have said, it is never something I will get over. Thank you for making me feel less alone 🙂
    P.S. my brother loved the gladiator soundtrack too! That made me smile.

  3. Megan, I’m so glad you found the blog, that the letters are helping you a little bit and most of all that you took the time to write!

    I can’t believe the similarities we share with regards to our brothers. Y’all were almost as close in age as Brian and I were… it’s almost like growing up with a twin, isn’t it?

    I’m so sorry things are hard for you right now and I’m sorry that you are also experiencing alienation from friends who you thought would be there for you… I know that feeling as well and it hurts so much on top of the agony you are already feeling.

    I’m available to listen if you ever need to talk or vent. Feel free to email me anytime at all at l_habedank@yahoo.com. Don’t be a stranger… hope to hear from you. Sending you hugs!

    <3 Laura

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