Letter to Brian: October 7, 2013

Dear Brian,

I’m really struggling today.  By piecing together the last known contact with you and what the Medical Examiner said upon examining you, we figure you likely died on the 7th or 8th of October… 5 or 6 whole days before you were found.

I hate that I don’t know… that I have this “5 or 6 day window.”  I’m not entirely sure why it should matter to me, but it does.  Those 5 or 6 days passed without me trying to contact you at all and I knew that you needed me.

You know, it looks like this is going to be the shortest letter I’ve written to you as I feel there are so many things I want and need to say to you… but I’m absolutely all out of words today. It just hurts so much and I desperately hate that it has been 3 fucking years since you left me.

I guess that’s all I am capable of saying right now.

I miss you, Brian.


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I lost my brother Brian, my only sibling, to suicide on October 13, 2010. I write about dealing with the loss as well as my own life-long struggle with depression and suicidal ideation.

2 thoughts on “Letter to Brian: October 7, 2013”

  1. I am crying for you and for myself. We have to remember how our loved ones would be tortured to think that we were blaming ourselves in any way. They suffered enough in this life. Remember Maximus and Marcus were watching over Brian and were with him at the moment of his passing. Peace to you, Jane.

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