Letter To Brian: October 4, 2011

Dear Brian,

It’s so hard to believe that it’s been a whole year since you left this world for another… where hopefully you found the peace you weren’t able to find here.

There’s so much I could tell you about this past year—about how much I’ve cried until complete exhaustion, how much I’ve missed you and how often I’ve picked up the phone and started to dial your number to call you only to realize seconds later what I was doing. There are days it is so painful to be around people because I feel so different from them. And I think there is a part of me that is afraid to get close to people because I’m afraid that they too will leave.

I’ve started to come out of my shell a little bit and am beginning to return somewhat to the person I was before. While I’ll never be the same again—I’ve managed to find myself laughing more often and when I think of you there are almost as many smiles as there are tears… so I’m starting to move on a little bit.

After you died I was haunted by the fact that each day that passed was bringing you farther and farther away from me; the last time I saw you, the last time we spoke, the last e-mail I received from you… all of those were becoming farther away as well. Now that feeling seems to have shifted a tiny bit; I find myself beginning to see each day that passes as bringing me one day closer to the day I get to see you again.

Love Always,

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I lost my brother Brian, my only sibling, to suicide on October 13, 2010. I write about dealing with the loss as well as my own life-long struggle with depression and suicidal ideation.

3 thoughts on “Letter To Brian: October 4, 2011”

  1. Laura, your writing makes me cry. It captures exactly what I’m feeling with regard to the passage of time. Each moment puts a little more distance in that space since I last saw my son. And , as you say, it has been so difficult to be around people because I no longer fit in. There’s now a great divide and there’s no return to innocence.
    Thank you for your honesty.
    –Graham’s Mom

    1. Thank you for sharing with me– I’m so glad you found it and that you connected with it, too. That’s why I’m doing it! It’s such an alienating place to be– I’m so grateful when I meet others who understand. I’m so very sorry for your loss. Please keep in touch!

      1. Now that I’ve added your blog to my site, I’ll keep reading (and going back to read older posts). I originally started my site just as a place for me to bookmark blogs for myself, but after a while I kept finding so much and I realized that other bereaved parents and siblings would probably also appreciate having everything consolidated into one site. I hope you find it helpful.

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