October 13, 2014

Dear Brian,

Today marks 4 years to the day that I got the call that would change my life forever.

I'd been hoping that it would be storming or raining or something today... anything that would fit how I'm feeling.  It never seems to fit when you see the sun shining yet feel like you're dying inside, you know? It only makes the loneliness that much more pronounced.  However, when I walked outside today the weather was perfectly mirroring what was going on inside of me.  In one direction you could see dark, black clouds rolling in.  In the other direction the sun was shining and cast a beautiful, hopeful light on the trees beneath the storm clouds.  The wind was agitated and came in bursts.  And then came the rain.

All of that is so fitting for this 4 year anniversary.  On one hand I feel hopeful for how far I've come since the days following your death when I was in such excruciating pain that I had absolutely no hope that I'd actually survive.  On the other hand I still have days where my moods are like the winds and clouds today-- dark and my deep moods come in bursts and sometimes seemingly out of nowhere.

Today, while I'm missing you and remembering you and wishing you were here I'm grateful for the weather that made me feel a little less alone today.

I love you.

Laura